thoughts on dying.

the world is slowly,

so slowly,

dying.

dying of life.

if a spider climbed your back,

grazed it's sticky

hands across your skin,

and chose a piece

of flesh,

one it found more juicy;

more tempting.

what would you do?

there is no,

"Oh yes Spiderman, keep going..."
because you do not feel a thing.

the world is slowly

biting you, spreading poison,

but you do not notice.

you are asleep.

you are blind.

the bites are sharp and quick,

not many,

but enough.

it is a slow death.

good evenin'.

these days,
seems like times are changin
slower than normal.
it's different,
i'm still getting used to it.

there was a time,
when i thought
everyone was innocent.
nobody had a thing to hide.

now i know better.

i've learned my lessons,
ones not taught in classrooms.
it happened the hard way.

a truth.

even in the sunlight,
you are blind.

untitled.

if i were a word of hate,
would you notice me more?

it doesn't take much wind
to move the ocean,
but how many waves
does it take to move you?

it wasn't a question of faith.
the water was salty-
full of my tears.
it would hold you up
if you found
you couldn't swim.

if you found you were suddenly
drowning,
who would be there
to pull you out?

if the albatross saw you,
he would keep flying.
there is no redemption
for you here.

the wind would try to help
you out,
but it is not
strong enough for you.
it is invisible, and so,
it is not real.

it would brush your cheek,
tell you to be safe,
but you would not hear it.

you are drowning.

drowned.

i promise.

just keep holding on.

the water will pull you out, yes,
but it will always push you back.

and i will always be
the shoreline.

i will hug you back,
and kiss the salt
from your eyelids.

until there is nothing left,
nothing but your heart.
and i will feed your heart
to the moon,
and the moon will
throw your heart
to the sky,

and you will be the stars.

so just keep holding on.

before the storm.

you once told me
i was like the sea.

that i was rough,
wild, untame-able.
but that only meant
i had a mind of my own,
or so i thought.

and then you told
me what you meant,
that it was the wind
that changed my fates.

it was the wind
who was guiding me,
changing me, moving
my currents.

you told me
i did not follow where
i wanted to go,
that my decisions were never mine.

if i manage to pull myself
out of the water,
i'll be waiting for the wind
to blow you down.

gods of death.

persephone once told me
it was warmer
living with her God of Death,
closer to the heart of the earth.

she told me
it was colder
in our world
that she regretted eating
the fruit her mother gave her.

but it was irresistible,
and so, it tied her down
once more,
until the leaves changed colours.

and then she told me,
her heart was always cold.

but her mother shook
her head, and scooped
more food onto her plate.

trees and me.

sometimes screaming is not
hard enough.
if i was the one to follow you,
take a day
in your foosteps even,
would i still see your mistakes
for what they are?

this is a lonely life,
full of words that don't
mean what they should,
what they do.

but i know what steps
not to take,
to keep my distance,
the way you never did.

because sometimes my screaming
is just not hard enough
for you to hear.

stormwaters.

this was the year
the rain came early
it dragged you out of bed
when you heard it pounding,
maybe it sounded
as if someone
was knocking.

this was the year
the house
got flooded

-no surprise to us,
we had not ignored
the evacuation call.

but you are stubborn,
and you stayed.
you yelled, you held
on to everything
we'd left behind
-most of it.

then the phoneline went down
and we didn't hear from you.
"not much difference,"
mother said.

when we came home
we found you
floating alone
"not much difference,"
i said.

but the rains had not
changed you,
had not even
pierced your skin.

instead you told us
of the great flood of
our ancestors,
stories from our past.

oh you were proud.

but you still could not
see what you
were not holding.

chance of irritability.

the skies are cloudy,
clouded.
like they do not know
where they are meant to go.

i find myself
wondering,
wandering through,
living a half/life.

my heartbeat is slowing down.
it is cloudy. almost clouded.

i have walked and walked,
if only i could find my way
on the back of the wind,
nothing would hold me back.

that is the wish anyway.
but wishes are only for the lonely.

and clouds are not lonely.

roadways.

1.
this is off to another world,
a different place.

years ago i might have
left along with you.
but this is not my walk.
this road is not my own
to bear.

i've learned that when
you bare your soul,
you never get it back.

and you can keep on walking,
just keep walking,
for as long as you can to find it,
whatever you're looking for.

until your feet start bleeding,
and keep bleeding more,
you will never find
your soul.

this is not your road.

2.
i was telling you once,
to listen to the stars,
do not follow your heart,
it will only end up
broken.

now you are too late
to find me again.
you lost your talk
with the stars,
and your soul
is scattered.

you have lost you.

flashbulb.

http://yournoonlightspecial.blogspot.com is now http://flashbulbasmemory.blogspot.com

not what i wanted...but it's a good change.

moons.

this is not what i have done,
not who i'm becoming.

it was only a thought brought on
by the vanishing of the moon,
when you asked your mother
where it had gone.
how could something
so beautiful just disappear?

but you know that it was
a cold thing,
just like your mother.
beautiful, mysterious,
but cold.

over the years, you grew up the same,
and the world forgot,
stopped questioning the darkness,
and lived the same as they always had.

but you grew up cold,
heartless, it was said.
just like the woman from the moon.

painted lady daydreams.

painted dreams are for the lonely.

who are you,

but a painted lady.

your smile was smudged

when you were born,

in a world far away,

a different time.

but the people always spoke

of the clearness of your eyes,

how it seemed you saw

everything, everyone.

they said you were

always watching out

for them.

you know who you

were watching out for.

someone from your past

lives. someone

too old to remember

the way things happened.

people speak of the way

your dark hair shines,

and they whisper,

yes, it must have

been a great love.

thoughts.

there was something you once said,
about a girl who lost her way.

never tried to find it again.

you said, in a voice that was not afraid,
that she would receive her punishments.

i see now her crimes were against you.

was it enough for you to take everything back?
she took your words, twisted them
into dreams.

but you cannot take back nightmares.

dreams.

there was something i remember someone saying,
once,
about how they thought
my life should go.

they said it should have ended differently,
not the way i dreamed it.

i never told them how my dream went.

how everything was dark,
the sky fell down,
ripped the stars and the sun down
with it - crashing.

all i could do was run and run and run,
but the sun was coming down
burning everything up,
i was still alone.

then all at once it was stopped,
and i couldn't scream,
because there was no noise.

truth.

i am just a head in a crowd.

are you fitting in to everyone who is different?

yes, you had to ask.

how do i find myself
in the places i get to,
it's times like this
i wish i was a 1-800 number,
then i might have all the answers.

today your questions
are too complicated,
if only i wasn't on so much medication,
i could hear you out,
at least nod my head,
fake a reply.

you once said
i would never be the same
without you.

now i know you, i
know my options.
i'm not a toll free phone number,
but i don't need someone
i don't know to tell me the answers.

this is the only place i know.

if i had something to offer,
my head on a plate,
if i suffered more for you,
i would change your life,
give you something different
to live for,
maybe think about.

you see what you've had to do to me?

pomegranate girl.

hades has tossed you up,
into the world of the living.

but you know,
i don't think you want to be here.
your mother was enough for you
years ago,
when your face was young.

but the leaves are still missing from the trees,
no one is happy to see you.
weren't you the one
they called
pomegranate girl?

the boys laughed when they
spoke of your 'fruits',
you just thought they
were angry
that you were close to death.

for whatever reasons they might have had.

your mother only looked away,
almost didn't see you.
what right do you have?
to leave me alone; lonely,
with death.
he killed your father.
everyone you used to know.

your mother is cold, dry,
like the trees missing leaves.

could you carry her with you?

(s)uper (m)arket

some days i start to think
the sun is upside down.

was it always like this, or
is my world that different from yours?

you said my obsession with the sun,
the moon, grapefruits and melons,
you said it cancelled out your
cucumber fetish.

words for the crazy, i say.

when the sun is setting,
it is rising for me,
my life is just getting started.

take your pickle jars,
that's all your cucumbers are,
wrinkled pickles.

i won't be here
when you get home.
look for me in produce.

|>> fast forward

I
you become famous overnight,
a sensation - a hit!
everyone knows who you are,
girls will hang your picture
in their bedrooms, lockers.

II
you have your mental breakdown,
serve your time,
your next film will be released,
new record deals signed,
and the world will move on

III
this is the best time of your life.

IV
but then you will head downhill
once again, up, down, up, down,
it is almost sickening,
not enough to keep the tabloids away.

V
it is tomorrow,
and you turn the tv on.
the world has forgotten you,
you have returned to 'normal'.
at the supermarket, no one
will know your name.

~aPoKaLipS~

"i am running out of words"

it would be easy to tell you
who told me this,
but it might also be a lie.

i wish more people
would realize
how small we are, and how
lonely everybody is.

could i be lonely with you?

it is our secret,
one of those
no one speaks of.

until you realize once again
how much we don't
seem to matter one second,
but the next,
we mean everything.

our universe isn't getting any smaller.

you've dug your hole too deep.

the days were long ago
before you had her at hello,
she wished
that if only the sun could learn her name,

she would find out
how to love herself.

but she took out her claws,
fed them to the earth instead,
learned to love you.

after all,
that is what you told her.

she hasn't even dreamed of the sun,
maybe even forgotten what it looks like,
your lie is bigger than you now.

too late to change.

heads up: there's no planet b.

"the world is a lonely place,"
words from your uncle
at your grandmother's funeral.

i was the only one who never cried,
you tell me i'm too old for it now.
lost time is already lost,
you say there's no use
trying to make up for
my mistakes.

someone told me i was a mistake.

but that was another life.
all i know is that i never
cried at our grandmother's funeral.

nothing ever changes.

i could sing of the days we spent in the ocean,
tell you about the nights
that i lived in the sea,
but that was so long ago,
it would change nothing now.

you will not listen to the change
you need to be,
if i make my life alone,
would you ever feel lonely?

do you know how to say you're sorry,
change your future,
change your life.

i know i'm on my own,
but i know i can treat me
better than you.

ramble ramble.

and then-
i woke up.

i found it was not the world i thought i'd made,
the people were not the same people.
nothing was the same.

somedays my dreams were too heavy
to hold, and i set them free.
now i see, a mistake.
my dreams are not for the world,
for the world fears what it does not know.

the world does not know me.

when i woke,
i saw everything as you do,
full of chaos,
lonely.
nobody knew.

and so, freshly woken,
i sent you out,
to let them know,
but i forget sometimes,
the people don't listen as well as i do.

so, they still don't know.

through with you.

these clouds are new-
darkly.
they roll in, reminding you of something you forgot.
dangerous, a past life.

those times you forgot,
you left your heart alone
and it beat so fast
faster than the clouds,
not that you would worry,
it wouldn't worry you.

a life alone is all you ever wanted
but i needed more.
you thought you weren't enough,
maybe your mother was right,
you were never enough
for anyone.

ride home on the winds,
sick clouds.
alone,
you will find yourself.

this ain't the half of it.

you are living someone else's life.

dreams lie.

i used to dream of past lives
past loves
you were one of them,
but since i caught my heart
it turned into fire-
and it burned you.

it was never enough,
i was never enough,
so you threw away
my heart,
alongside your own.

now the stars
whisper your
stories in my ears,
but they don't
believe them themselves.

try and stop me.

i get the feeling you've said this before,
i don't know who i am
and i've lost where i was trying to go,
you spent days trying to
write my eulogy,
but i'm not even dead yet.

who are you trying to kill?
this myth believes
i will come back,
it won't matter what you do to me.

you tried to fix my eyes,
but it's you who is broken
you can't see past your nose,
and the rest is blurred.

when it happened before,
i almost didn't believe you,
almost didn't see.

this time i can watch myself,
watch out for myself,
nothing you can do,
has never been done.

just don't follow me.

far from it.

in another world,
a different life, one that happened in the past, i hope,
you might have been a better person.
your lover might have loved you,
maybe even liked you for who you are.

i can live without you these days,
to be honest.
i might have made a promise,
but you did too.

beats me what you think you might be up to,
good for you it's not up to me,
i suppose.

when i was young, i thought things would be
different. i believed in something else,
if you asked me what it was,
i wouldn't remember.

i just know i haven't seen it since.

what.ever.

a fridge magnet poem.



there,
drunk your envy?

after a lover,
full of who you are.
seemly, did he forswear you,
lady-like,

from his art.
there-the curse.

with what wicked night
has it,
know they mercy?

you know damn well what.

a fridge magnet poem.



damn...
what...how...when..?
I,
please,
I must know...

him too,
did we ever..?
will...
well, in winter-

forswear me nothing!
question my ghost
as a mortal then.

tale of poison.

a fridge magnet poem.



damn woman,
much is perilous...
to discontent,
to torment,
to deceive,

to speak.

with wicked manner!
always:
idle, lazy, vile.
from my art,
by this mortal.

she is our dream.

a fridge magnet poem.



maidens fair
doth never grace
my ghost...

make haste man!
your friend had
a dream of farewell.

me,
her,

she...is our dream.

a lover of night.

a fridge magnet poem.



speak,
yield,
decieve,

but warrant not the poison.
here i ask,
for all that was said,

how could he see?

the curse.

a fridge magnet poem.



nothing is what is said,
of this love...
some could say more
some would only do so much

if she would question-
woe her lazy lover man
curse his strike,
and death, come.

lies or truths.

i was jerked around and fooled
with so many times,
i don't know which way is up anymore,
find myself looking down more and more
often, trying to find myself
i guess,

or something like it.
i don't know what i look like
through the mirror, find i'm wanting
whatever isn't there.

this lie just holds one grain of
truth to it:
it happened once, and it happened to you.
so, maybe two.
i won't be the liar you made me out to be.

untitled.

this knows to much for me,
leaves an opening,
spits out my fears,
takes out my heart
and pulls me down.

why is it the strong
have nothing to show,
are told they are nothing, know
not a thing.

i would follow you
to the ends of my rope,
if you let me in,
you showed me
the things you are hiding.

but it knows too much for you
doesn't it.
drowns out your fears,
pulls you down,
to the end of your rope.

do not follow their words,
how long will it last you,
how long will you last.

heavy weights.

i am still at work,
deciphering your plans, long-winded talks.
i used to have dreams too.

until i was swallowed up-
the ocean pulled me under
i did not drown, just nearly.

i could not save myself from the fear
of the water, too cold to touch,
it was strong enough on its own.

i think the ocean has
swallowed my dreams,
but i won't know till morning.

once, i cut out my heart.

you are not the one
i fight for,
only an image in my mind.
i cut out my heart for you.

i hold you,
wish you were holding me,
wish you had thought of me.

our fingers brushed once,
burned.
now my scars are
too deep
to heal,
my skin is wrinkled,
too old to recognize
anymore.

i wish you had fought for me,
held me close,
ignored the burning,
instead of turning to run
at the first sign of hurt.

but i cut out my heart,
this plastic thing,
and held it up for the birds
to feast on.
and they did,
ate it all until i had nothing left,
i was alone.

softer now.

the north wind is blowing
softer now,
you tell me,
a smile on your lips.

it is a sign of the times,
that it is wearing through,
pulling you down,
pleading with you to stay behind.

but staying alone
is something
you have always told me
you would never do.
i used to believe you,
when i was 4, 5, 6.

(12 even)
not anymore.

i suppose it's just a testament
to your beliefs,
but you told me
you don't believe in anything.

this is your secret i want the world to hear.

day of dreams.

i've met your face before,
know the make
of you,
you spin out thoughts
that go

hand in hand
with your beliefs,
if only.

i am not proud
to know
you live inside
a cardboard box,
you are still a child
inside a robot.

there is mud
under my fingernails,
from the pies we made
when we were
young.

you stole
my innocence.

maybe you would
have ended somewhere
else, if things
had started different.

you've already
jumped down the
rabbit hole.
i don't have to
follow you.

retired.

i was once
told of a man
who thought he could make a difference
in the world.

but then he grew up.

and he realized
that he did not wish
for that kind of
responsibility. that
it was too much, for one man.

so he laid down
his mask and his cape,
and put on his suit and tie
and his brand new mask,
and he got in his flashy
new car,
and he knew he couldn't make
any difference at all.

but he put his old mask
and his old cape
in a box,
where they gathered
dust and mould,
and he went to sleep,
and dreamt of his better days,
and he knew he had made a difference.

invisibility.

this is something i already knew,

but would it be worse

to see things my way?

i know, i don't know you,

but lately,

i don't recognise myself.

i fear my eyes are lying,

but i cannot

see behind me when i walk away.

it's too bad

your patience is wearing

thin.

i cannot save you

this time.

just give me some truth.

who tells you what to think?

i don't know my own name anymore,
but maybe
i will before the end.

your end is coming soon-
so enjoy it while it lasts,
that's all we can hope for.

i never saw this ending
in your eyes,
but it may have been
in mine.
i watch what it is
you have become,
i used to be envious,
used to dream for it too.

not anymore.
your life is not for me.

pacific/atlantic.

la vie est un frigo sous la mer.

we are all trapped under
our problems,
they are bigger
than the ocean is wide.

i can't see anything clearly anymore.
our lives are too
small for problems
like this to matter this much.

i know they don't
matter to you.
but this ocean-
i'm going to swim it.
you are already trapped.

it's every man for himself
though, isn't it.
that's what you told me,
the last time we spoke.
it was so long ago.

so, every man for himself,
i'm taking care of myself,
i'm leaving you behind.

consquences in the making.

somedays, more often than not,
the noise gets too loud,
too much to live with.

it is not an empty noise,
like the sky.
the sky is a burden,
too heavy to hold,
not heavy enough to put down.

i wonder what you would
have done,
how you would have
taken the blame.
at least...
i hope you would.

you won't have to find out,
because
i'm leaving you alone,
taking the sky with me.

we'll see where this takes us.

chaos will come.

she uncovered your lies
-every single one.

and now
i'm finding that i knew enough
to never look at you that way,
and honestly,
i think that's good enough for me.

let the night take everything,
let it swallow all your lies
-every single one.

the night is lonely,
just like you.
but the stars
are not lies,
they are already dead.

she will not forget
what you have said.
even though
i've already forgotten.

i would change
the past,
if i could.
erase every single lie.
but they are already dead.

she won't forget.

these are silences.

these days are hard,
and these nights are long.

i wonder if you dreamt this too,
dreamt of me
the way i dreamt of you.

it was hard to know the truth,
to see if there was any,
in this thing you called a dream.
if it had any truth, i still don't know.

tell me,
and let me know if there
was ever any truth
to your words,
or if this lie was just a dream.