heavy weights.

i am still at work,
deciphering your plans, long-winded talks.
i used to have dreams too.

until i was swallowed up-
the ocean pulled me under
i did not drown, just nearly.

i could not save myself from the fear
of the water, too cold to touch,
it was strong enough on its own.

i think the ocean has
swallowed my dreams,
but i won't know till morning.

once, i cut out my heart.

you are not the one
i fight for,
only an image in my mind.
i cut out my heart for you.

i hold you,
wish you were holding me,
wish you had thought of me.

our fingers brushed once,
burned.
now my scars are
too deep
to heal,
my skin is wrinkled,
too old to recognize
anymore.

i wish you had fought for me,
held me close,
ignored the burning,
instead of turning to run
at the first sign of hurt.

but i cut out my heart,
this plastic thing,
and held it up for the birds
to feast on.
and they did,
ate it all until i had nothing left,
i was alone.

softer now.

the north wind is blowing
softer now,
you tell me,
a smile on your lips.

it is a sign of the times,
that it is wearing through,
pulling you down,
pleading with you to stay behind.

but staying alone
is something
you have always told me
you would never do.
i used to believe you,
when i was 4, 5, 6.

(12 even)
not anymore.

i suppose it's just a testament
to your beliefs,
but you told me
you don't believe in anything.

this is your secret i want the world to hear.

day of dreams.

i've met your face before,
know the make
of you,
you spin out thoughts
that go

hand in hand
with your beliefs,
if only.

i am not proud
to know
you live inside
a cardboard box,
you are still a child
inside a robot.

there is mud
under my fingernails,
from the pies we made
when we were
young.

you stole
my innocence.

maybe you would
have ended somewhere
else, if things
had started different.

you've already
jumped down the
rabbit hole.
i don't have to
follow you.

retired.

i was once
told of a man
who thought he could make a difference
in the world.

but then he grew up.

and he realized
that he did not wish
for that kind of
responsibility. that
it was too much, for one man.

so he laid down
his mask and his cape,
and put on his suit and tie
and his brand new mask,
and he got in his flashy
new car,
and he knew he couldn't make
any difference at all.

but he put his old mask
and his old cape
in a box,
where they gathered
dust and mould,
and he went to sleep,
and dreamt of his better days,
and he knew he had made a difference.

invisibility.

this is something i already knew,

but would it be worse

to see things my way?

i know, i don't know you,

but lately,

i don't recognise myself.

i fear my eyes are lying,

but i cannot

see behind me when i walk away.

it's too bad

your patience is wearing

thin.

i cannot save you

this time.

just give me some truth.

who tells you what to think?

i don't know my own name anymore,
but maybe
i will before the end.

your end is coming soon-
so enjoy it while it lasts,
that's all we can hope for.

i never saw this ending
in your eyes,
but it may have been
in mine.
i watch what it is
you have become,
i used to be envious,
used to dream for it too.

not anymore.
your life is not for me.

pacific/atlantic.

la vie est un frigo sous la mer.

we are all trapped under
our problems,
they are bigger
than the ocean is wide.

i can't see anything clearly anymore.
our lives are too
small for problems
like this to matter this much.

i know they don't
matter to you.
but this ocean-
i'm going to swim it.
you are already trapped.

it's every man for himself
though, isn't it.
that's what you told me,
the last time we spoke.
it was so long ago.

so, every man for himself,
i'm taking care of myself,
i'm leaving you behind.

consquences in the making.

somedays, more often than not,
the noise gets too loud,
too much to live with.

it is not an empty noise,
like the sky.
the sky is a burden,
too heavy to hold,
not heavy enough to put down.

i wonder what you would
have done,
how you would have
taken the blame.
at least...
i hope you would.

you won't have to find out,
because
i'm leaving you alone,
taking the sky with me.

we'll see where this takes us.

chaos will come.

she uncovered your lies
-every single one.

and now
i'm finding that i knew enough
to never look at you that way,
and honestly,
i think that's good enough for me.

let the night take everything,
let it swallow all your lies
-every single one.

the night is lonely,
just like you.
but the stars
are not lies,
they are already dead.

she will not forget
what you have said.
even though
i've already forgotten.

i would change
the past,
if i could.
erase every single lie.
but they are already dead.

she won't forget.

these are silences.

these days are hard,
and these nights are long.

i wonder if you dreamt this too,
dreamt of me
the way i dreamt of you.

it was hard to know the truth,
to see if there was any,
in this thing you called a dream.
if it had any truth, i still don't know.

tell me,
and let me know if there
was ever any truth
to your words,
or if this lie was just a dream.

westward days.

the sun is setting,
and with it
it takes
last thoughts of you.

the sun takes
you with it.
next time we meet,
do not tell me
of your journeys,
the ones that
never happened.

i don't care
anymore.

you can rub it in,
but i
can't take it in.

you are too young
for me,
i know i'll
only get you hurt,
in the end.
i know you already are.

i'm sorry.
i can't.
don't hate me...

photo credit to:
julia

swimming straits.

the tides are turning,
and i wish you could see me now.
i don't remember
what it was like

maybe this time
around,
things will change.
maybe you will change.
i know you can't change me.

i'm too rough-restless,
so they say.
just like the ocean.

i cannot make
my mind to stay
where it is,
can't ever seem to
keep my feet
in one place.

maybe this time
things will be different.

traffic signs.

i remember your promises,
your whispers.
they shook me.

how is it i let it go so long?
you promised me
it would be over
sooner than later,
that i would not
suffer for you.

you would suffer in my place.

i know, it's not the way
these things go.
too bad you
were the one who let me go.
even through your promises.

i'm still shaking.

my life is cracked.

last night i dreamt
i was with a hundred
people i'd never met,
and a twister came
and swept us up.

it tore off the roof,
grabbed at my hair,
took everything i wasn't
holding onto.

when the twister was gone,
i was the only one left,
and you had never been there.

everyone was gone,
and all that was left were the houses
they were empty.
the trees were hanging on by roots,
the sky was cracked-
like it would fall.

my mind went dark,
was blotted by the sun.
all that was left
were the malls
and the cars,
and there was nothing that matters.

last night i dreamt
that i shook my fist
at the sky,
for leaving me alone,

and it creaked and cracked
and splintered,
and it all fell down around me.
until there was nothing left.

quick escapes and exits.

death is just a door,
something i heard him say,
as he was leaving.
and i swore i'd never let it happen again.

it changes each night,
and in the morning,
there's never anyone
next to me.

the last time i thought i'd learned my lesson,
but my head and my heart
are not on the same page,
and i wonder why
i find i'm coming back for more.

how can i fix my head and my heart,
without breaking even more?
if this can be done,
will you come back through my door?

i ask too much
from the world i know,
but i am truth,
and i will be true,
until this world gives me up,
because they say
death is just a doorway.