heart monitors.

how can i tell you
that my strength
is failing.
all at once,
in a sudden
shudder of my lungs.

they gave out twice before,
and i might not have recovered.

if not for...
if not for what?!
if not for nothing.

i know this life
is not my own,
i am afraid of it.

how can i tell you
that this does
not lessen my fear,
only makes it bigger,
because it's one more
heart to lose.

my denial is slowly
catching up with me,
i'm afraid.
but i cannot
tell you what this means.

you are my silver lining,
my apollo, my adonis.

but how can i tell you,
that even that way,
i don't know
if i can hold on.